Letting Go But Holding On Forever


I am finally writing a post about my Cameron going off to college, my middle child, my oldest boy “big boy” and this beautiful human that has challenged me, touched me, taught me and makes my heart burst with love. When I had 3 babies in 3 years, my Mom talked about the positive, how much I will love it as they grow and are into the same things (same stage of life)—she said it would get easier. She was right, I loved having our Guyer 5, the stages were full, chaotic, but also so magical (in the mess). What Mom did not share is that the stages of them leaving the next would be fast and furious—Kaili last year, and Cam this year, I’m ready, but I’m not…

Cam is a 6+ hour drive away in upper state NY, it is long and the drive home when we moved him in was long, and miles and miles apart. Cam has now been at college for just over a month, we moved him in for Football Camp, and when we hugged goodbye, it was a quick goodbye in the dining hall, before he rushed off with his teammates he did not know, to be at the kick-off meeting. In retrospect it was good I suppose, because I just wanted to hold him, look at him, and not let go.

We walked out of the dining hall as Guyer 4, with our 5 in Canton NY, in the middle of nowhere. On the drive I saw the moon and the miles, I also thought about Cam’s journey, the boy that never gives up, never gives in and how this trait has served him so well.

Getting home very late (early morning), tired enough not to dwell, but peeking into his bedroom, and of course, my Cameron did his signature thing and left clothes on the floor (note: laundry basket right there)—a sweet reminder of what once drove me crazy, brought me such comfort (it was so gratifying to pick up his clothes from the floor this time)—I have no doubt he left them there knowing I would be picking them up with the same nostalgic spirit.

All of these emotions of change, letting go, knowing we are at this place in time are there, but also, more importantly, we are focused on his adjustment and orientation in to college (all while being on the sidelines and waiting for his call, his FaceTime and holding back from saying are you okay, have you met friends & are they good people, a gazillion times! We were thrilled to see him happy, see him enjoying the campus, his room, the team and all things college, our boy was settling in just great, which helped us to settle in at home. He loves it and so far he is happy and thriving.

The house is a lot quieter, Cam made up for many voices, commotion, and presence. He would instigate his brother every morning, misplace his keys or wallet almost daily and we now know who was not lifting the seat (moms of boys, you get that one)! A week from today we have parents weekend, and I can’t wait to see my boy, hear his laugh, be with him and indulge in all things Cam (football, friends, fun)!

I hope any parent reading this that has already sent their kids off, is reminded of this special bond, special time that is both incredibly challenging but something you just need to do and “pretend” it’s normal to raise a child (nurture, protect, feed, teach, love, care for) and then let go. Fly little birdie, fly! You read this with more wisdom and insight and know this feeling oh so well. I also hope parents with littles that are not at this stage just yet, are inspired to be present, be aware that those ordinary moments are truly the extraordinary ones. Life pulls us in so many directions and as a Mom (or Dad) your most important space is your home/family and the months and years are going to fly by. Hold on while you can, and be in the moment—put down your phone, put aside your to-do list and just be….

Cameron Charles, I might be letting go but remember, I am holding on forever! While I am here at home, a piece of my heart is in Canton NY—carry that love with you everywhere you go!

Pam Guyer