A Year Without My Mom

I write this post on the day you left this earth, the day we cried by your bedside telling you how amazing you are and how much we love you and are going to miss you. It was early morning, the birds were chirping outside your window the sun barely beginning to rise, and you were ready to let go of our hands, and join God and join Dad in Heaven. It was beautiful, it was difficult, it was sad, it was your moment, it was your time (God’s time).

A week prior to that you were not ready and you had said “this is happening too fast”, but you still would not give any attention to your Cancer, you would not give it the time of day until the very end when it finally took you away from us. You left just like you lived your life, you were brave, you were strong, you just “did it”, you made everyone around you feel loved, you were sweet, polite “yes please” and you finally let us take are of you. I still can’t believe it and it still does not seem real, there are so many moments I want to or I go to call you, and I remind myself you are in a different place and you are with us each day in every way.

I know everyone thinks their Mom is the best, but one thing we all know (all 5 Mellor kids) is that we did have the best Mom. We did not have much growing up, and we certainly had challenges with Dad’s health, but that never impacted your ability to be the most loving, kind, funny, creative woman and Mom. You literally made every single person in your presence feel better, with your cheerful spirit, big wide smile, hardy laugh and loving hugs.

Your grandchildren all adore you and miss you terribly, however, they all have the gift of Nanny, they will always live with your spirit, kindness and love for the rest of their days. All 5 Mellor kids, you would be so proud Mom, as we are all somehow putting one foot in front of the other and living our lives (with this huge loss in our hearts). We have a group text, and we reach out at least weekly to share a memory, a laugh, some love and encouragement. Being the youngest I am so grateful for older brothers and sisters as they have stepped in for you and Dad, and they are enjoying the milestones of my kids, and are not only aunts & uncles, they are like grandparents too to my babies. Family is everything, and you and Dad have created a legacy that will always live on.

The year was not easy, it brought up feelings I don’t think I ever really dealt with in losing Dad. It was hard, but as anyone knows that has suffered loss is that you don’t have a choice, you just need to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. As you would say, it could always be worst, and I realize that, and I turn to gratitude, thank God we had so many years with you, thank God we had a Mom like you and those reminders help me to keep things in perspective, and also carry on. We talk a lot about you, and it is warm and gives us all “happy thoughts”. The White Feathers are constant reminders of your presence and beautiful signs from you, please keep them coming. My wind chimes in my yard, are also a reminder of you, I call them Nanny Chimes. The bird feeder outside of your window is now outside of mine, I love to see them and I remember how much you loved that. I don’t fill it all the time like you do and I can hear you now say “Pamela, you’ve got to keep it filled with food”! On the boat anytime we feel a warm breeze, we call it “Nanny Breezes”. Constant reminders of you, your love and how much we love you.

There is no other love like that of a mothers. I thought I understood loss by losing Dad at such a young age, while that was difficult, there is nothing like the loss of a mother. The beauty in it is that there are a tribe of women (and men) that reach out to you that have lost their Moms, they know, they support you, they encourage you and they stand by you. I have had so many do this for me, and I now know, and will do it for others.
I miss you and I love you with all of my heart. I miss your advice on parenting, I miss sharing with you what the kids are doing, and also your love, how much you loved me and how much you love my family. I see your love in them. Kaili is so much like you Mom, the kindness, sweetness, and special way about her is so much like you, I consider you both my bookends in womanhood, and I could not be more proud. I have to have faith that you are there, you are part of it all in this wonderful spiritual experience of life. Life is but a dream.

While we had to let go of your hand one year ago today, I am never ever letting go completely. I will always hold on to your hand and heart in a spiritual way. I will always talk to you, talk about you, and let your example guide my wisdom and my path. I will do all of this while I move on, move forward and live life. We all know how precious (and short) it all is. Cancer took you too soon, but your love and spirit will live on forever. 

I love you mom and miss you with all of my heart. The world would be a better place, if we had more people like you!

Pam Guyer