Building Up and Breaking Down - Pam's Decade Reflections & Lessons

2010 to 2020
So many things have changed in this last decade. Some great things have happened, and overall, I feel truly blessed. I also experienced my most challenging years as well, this decade has brought me great joy and also has brought me to my knees—challenged in so many ways, and also encouraged to stand back up.  Each experience has been an opportunity to practice gratitude, grow in faith and learn to love myself a little bit more (I am truly compassionate and empathetic with others, and I am learning to be more of that way with myself).

The 2010 version of Pam:
This was an exciting time in my life, as I was in my early 40’s and finally letting go of all the expectations I put on myself (okay society, you too), and on the “hustle” mentality that served me well, but was not true to how I needed or wanted to be.  Note: while it was a shining time in my life, it was after a challenging few years of business decline, feeling lost on my purpose, and also realizing I was out of alignment (we need to go through the challenges to discover what is on the other side).  If we draw back the curtain and peak back to the earlier Pam (20’s & 30’s), she was all about achieving and moving up the ladder of life (financially, socially, and personally)—I was the living example of “work hard,  play hard” (while it worked my entire life, this mentality ultimately does not create my best self).  While some of that drive that is innate in me is important and has served me well, it also needs to be in balance with nurturing my soul, life is so much more than accomplishments or things, it is the people, the moments and the feelings that matter most—it is good health, experiencing joy and being brave enough to be vulnerable and your true self.  Up until this point in my life, I had created everything and hard work was the catalyst behind it all, but I was exhausted, and knew I needed to make some changes, and align my spirit in a way that felt less chaotic and more calm.  In 2010 I had discovered yoga and built a regular practice, this changed everything for me.  I shifted my focus from building business and achieving to unpeeling layers and discovering me, learning to “be" and getting in touch with my authentic self as opposed to following the crowd.  This time in my life proved exhilarating, challenging and more so rewarding, I let go of all the titles, roles, and expectations I put on myself (or I thought I should be doing) and I followed my heart and my gut, I became a healthier version of me.

This decade brought so much change, so many incredible blessings and some really challenging times.   We sold our newly renovated dream home, to downsize to a family home that would allow us to “settle in” and perhaps get a second beach home (never happened) and/or eventually move closer to the Ocean when the kids got older (which just happened sooner than expected).  So not only did we renovate 2 homes this past decade, we also sold these two homes, and built our new home, so the dreams, desire and drive in me channeled into our real estate investment and homes (reinvention, creation, design, home, all things I love).  Another big event was leaving my previous company and starting with Beautycounter—this was not an easy thing for me to do, I loved the people and company I worked with and am so very grateful for this company and all I learned, gained and was gifted with as a result of hard work, belief, open-mindedness & commitment.   I am proud that I was brave enough to create change and let go of what was comfortable and rewarding and took a risk to open up more opportunity for others and potentially myself.  I have met so many more incredible people in this journey and have been challenged in many ways  that I continue to be challenged by and allow for things to unfold.  I never wanted to be defined  by a company and a brand (no matter how much it has done for me, this one act allowed me to be free of that, and to place value on me rather than what company I "belonged to", it is true to who I am.   I have had a few branding experts remind me I am my brand, Pam Guyer, that is the brand that matters most and has far greater reach and influence (gulp, the fear begins to percolate in me as I write that).  

All this to say, I am grateful for both companies that have taught me, supported me, and continue to allow me to live my life by design, for that I am beyond blessed and grateful.   I love to be able to share that with others, and help them to create a business that supports their HIPP life, now that gets me fired up.   The past 2 decades for me have been navigating my way as a Mom Boss and teaching and inspiring others to do the same!  
This decade also gave birth to the creation of the book and lifestyle brand Living HIPP.  Living HIPP has been so important to me as it is a platform to share my passion, my voice, my lessons on life, leadership, motherhood and hoping to inspire others in this journey of living on purpose (while vulnerable and embracing our imperfections).    I have a much bigger vision for Living HIPP and this decade has taught me what my first boss told me years ago “Pammy, Rome was not built in a Day”—once again, patience and letting go, let things unfold, you are not in control.   I love immediate gratification and the latter part of this decade has been the more challenging part for me personally, I am trying to settle in and flow (to be honest, I am not in the flow, but that is okay, I have been here before and I know that the breakthrough will come, when I stop pushing and let it be).  Speaking of Rome, I am coming for you in this next decade, more travel, less burning gas and running on empty.  

The decade brought me great sorrow, with the loss of my Mom and Mother in Law—it really took me off my tracks, and I felt more vulnerable with too many changes: a new business, a serious & long term concussion injury, and grief that just felt crippling some days.  Loss is part of life, and something we all experience, some greater than others, I write this because I know you reading this may feel this in your heart for your loved one, I want you to know, I see you, I hear you and I honor the love and your loved one, always celebrate that love.  

My Mom and MIL (whom I adored) had such a positive and tremendous influence on my life, they were both my teachers, friends, and confidants.  Let me share more, with the hope that my transparency helps someone or brings them comfort…  One thing that these two amazing women experienced, and more recently I have experienced is depression (this topic that we as women don’t want to talk about because it may make us look weak, sad, different or less than)—truth is, most of us in our lifetime experience it to some degree.   While I wish I had all the answers, I don’t, all I know is that it is very real, and I am learning that it is a base line of who I am, which has been hard to accept as I like to think of myself as a positive person, but even us cheerful positive people get down, feel blah some days, even paralyzed and we need to honor that and sit with it.  I have been trying to hide it and hide from it, letting shame, fear, and all of those shitty feelings reside in my brain (this next decade I will stop running from, and start embracing this part of me and this part of you, this part of us).  I am the queen of reinvention,  not because I have kicked ass in business, went from major debt in my 20’s to a blessed life (home, community, family), and went from humble beginnings to a charmed life—yes, I can teach you how to have a vision, set goals and reach them (if you are committed to the process), but, where I have really been challenged is by the way my brain and body work —the truth is it works differently (as I was told by an expert, everything is much harder for me)!   My challenges are invisible:  ADHD, Anxiety, Addicitive Personality & occasional depression.  I have spent the majority of my life moving ahead, building and creating an image, working hard to be accepted and respected and in doing so, did not embrace, acknowledge or even consider my mind & body and these gifts god gave me (the next decade I will use these things I have felt shame about, and share them as my gift, I am still working on the shame and secret world of these topics).  So, the decade has taught me about anxiety and depression (and ADD & Addiction), not something I like to talk about (feeling vulnerable here people) but I must talk about it, because it is real, and it may help someone and/or encourage someone (it is far more prevalent than we talk about, and it is high time shine some light on this historically dark topic).   I am reminded there is a spectrum to all of this (I am fortunate that not one thing is on the heavy end of the spectrum, but nonetheless they are there, they wreak havoc at times and I try to show the world all I am made of, with this heavy & silent knowing on my shoulders that I struggle with these things, and I can’t keep up with the Jone's because I am not her (she is a myth), I am not going to pretend I have it all together because I don’t, and I am done with this myth we women and moms share or abide to.   It’s total Bullshit! 

I have a very blessed life, and it does not matter how blessed you are, we all need to be aware of our mental health (BTW, I don’t even like the word mental, perhaps mind health is better).  While I have my challenges in this area, I am so grateful that I always have hope, and also that I have a husband that supports me, and accepts that this is part of who I am (even thou I had a hard time accepting it myself).  My mom sends feathers when I need to see them, and my mother in laws keen understanding on emotional intelligence continues to teach me and support me as a go and grow.   I am not alone even though I feel alone in this at times. 

This is not a new topic for me, it is just one I have uncovered this last decade, but for years I experienced feelings, challenges and did not know what it was, I was too afraid to address it or even talk about it and I subconsciously hid it and buried it in work, food, alcohol, shopping, ultimately I learned you can run, but you cannot hide!    The only time I really recall addressing it was after my son was born, I experienced mild postpartum depression—this was the first time I asked for help, and it was the first time I acknowledged feeling the blues (I took great care of my babies, but felt depleted and empty inside of me).   So when you see me write all the time, remember, Social Media is the highlight reel, it is not the behind the scenes, I am sharing my behind the scenes, to serve you, those of you that need to know that I see you, I hear you and I care about you

I am a highly sensitive person (perhaps you are too) and I feel things deeply, which is really good (but the burden is there too, because I absorb the pain around me as well, and I embrace and am touched by others stories in a very heartfelt way).  At times, it is easier to escape these feelings rather than sit with them (I am learning to try and sit with them, and it is not easy).  

I share all of this because I am watching so many women hustle, prove, show the world they can do it all (I get it, I am that person too), but at what expense and let me ask, is it really bringing YOU joy?  Hard work for anything in life is necessary, so don’t ever stop working hard on your dreams and goals, just work even harder on yourself, design your plan and life based on you, not on what others are doing, wearing, saying, we just need to stop comparing, stop the madness that exists in the era of the girl boss, and showcasing a level of perfection (be it real life or social media) that honestly, does not exist.  If you follow me on Social Media, don’t ever think I have it all going on and am lucky, yes I have a blessed life (which I have worked my ass off for) but also, while it is beautiful and blessed, I face each day with my own vulnerabilities, to this day I don’t think “I am enough” and I too struggle with things, we all do.  I don’t talk about these things all the time because it does not serve me or you, I sprinkle it in, but I also practice gratitude, choose joy, and try and live with that spirit, and I share that to influence you to do the same.  I genuinely, wholeheartedly hope this helps someone or speaks to someone because it is vulnerable to write and share, but I feel tugged to do so, because you never know who it will help (God is pushing me all the time)!  :)

Now that we have this party started, let's tackle more truth bombs!   “But wait, there’s more”!
Another big change this past decade was the shift from partier to discovering that alcohol is not all that I had it chocked up to be!  I have such mixed emotions on this topic as I can’t say I quit drinking 6 years ago and lived happily ever after.  No, that would be a lie.  The truth is, I am proud of myself for looking at an area of my life and taking it on, and realizing I am better without it.   I have gone AF for long periods of time, and I am hard on myself because I have not stuck with it 100%—I allow myself to indulge at different times (or seasons, and that has brought some shame and as I write this embarrassment)—it is hard to live a life where alcohol was a part of the day, the celebration, the stress, the (you name it, lets drink over it)—to finding the voice to say “I really don’t want this, I used to love it but I no longer do”.   This probably deserves its own blog post, but working on my marriage, trying to be AF in a boozy world, going from the couple that entertains, enjoys drinks to saying “Babe, I just can’t do this”, has been HARD and is HARD.  But, make no mistake it has also been amazing, and I am proud to share that as much as I have loved drinking (yes, it has been relaxing and fun at times in my life) it is so much better without, and the whole drinking scene is total bullshit (as in not all it is cracked up to be), I am so much happier (HIPPer) without it.  No hangover, clear mind, heart, head and eyes truly are magical and in this past decade has taught me that, even thou I have not let go 100% yet, so much progress has happened.  So, I guess you could say I have had some.briety—and I will figure this out (with the help of God).  Progress, not perfection, I will lean into being proud that I do address it, and am aware and brave enough to make changes, I can only imagine how many other women are challenged by this, but live in this secret or shame because it is not a black or white thing for many of us, it is totally in the grey.   Don’t hide in it ladies, embrace your grey and discover what truly works for you (and don’t fall for the bullshit we all have been brainwashed over all these years, there is nothing sexy, sophisticated, or sensational about Mommy Juice, it is all a lie and for most women (who love to imbibe) the downside but played as the upside in their life (speaking truth, and speaking my truth).    Don’t even get me going on the food thing, all I can say is that it is either Cupcakes or Kale…. Enough said, and more to come on that!

My greatest accomplishment and joy this past decade has been raising 3 amazing humans, this by far is my greatest joy, proudest accomplishment and what fills my heart and makes it whole.  In 2010: Kaili 10, Cam 8, Colby 7—it was that crazy busy time, hockey, dance, carpool, chaos, and so much love, laughs, tears, shouting, mess & magic.  I loved this time, they were under my thumb and watching them grow from childhood to tweens to teens and now college-age has been the greatest gift, honor, and blessing in my life.   I am so proud of who they are, and I can say that I have felt that at every age and every stage of their lives.   How the heck did we raise such amazing people?  We did it as a team, we did so much of it imperfectly, and by the seat of our pants, but one thing I know for sure is that we did it with love and we put our family first and that somehow helped us in this most important role and journey.    If there is anything I am most proud of in my life, it is my family, they truly are my everything.

So, this decade has been a really good one - a really challenging one - and going from 40ish to 50ish is even more freeing, even more permission to fly your freak flag (insert song freak out from the 80’s).  You truly begin to no longer give a shit what others think, do or say.  We say it in our 40’s (but we still do care), we begin to become bolder in our 50’s (and I imagine there is some holding on there which I will better understand in my 60’s), but for now, I am grateful I am charting my own course, and celebrating my wins, yet sharing my losses (vulnerabilities, challenges and real-life matters that affect so many of us).   Life is oh so good, and on some days, oh so hard.  I am so grateful for the life I have, it is a blessing every single day.  I am excited about the next decade, and while I have my vision, I also have my commitment to be mindful, live in the moment and find the simple joys in each day.  I am committed to work on myself every day, and also be more compassionate toward myself—I am a person that needs rest, that needs alone time, that needs boundaries in place, I need to honor that and stay true to that.    While I am an extrovert in some ways, at the heart of it all, I am an introvert, and gain my energy by retreat.  This decade taught me that I spent my life being “social, outgoing, always game” and that my true self while loves a good time & fun also likes (and needs) alone time, less social gatherings, more intimate ones.   I always have raised the energy in the room, but what I have come to realize is that my energy does not come from the room, or the people, it comes from the rest and time in between, less is more, and I am going for more of that this decade and next.  

The present moment is the greatest gift of all.  For this dreamer and doer, learning to be even more present in this next decade, using mindfulness, yoga, meditation and gratitude as my daily practice.  So, this last decade I learned a TON, I shed light on many things, and this decade I am leaving the shame behind, and shining the light on the good, the bad and ugly.  You heard it here, ugly is the new beautiful.  Cheers to the beauty in you!  XO