I Don't Drink Anymore

This statement shifted everything for me, but it took me time and it was a journey in getting there.

What started out as a big Vision to help others and make our world a Happier place, became a personal roadmap with twists and turns for me personally as I launched lifestyle brand Living HIPP a decade ago, this past decade I put it to the test, and it became a framework, system and ultimately a formula for me to live my best life (with lots of turns and bumps along the way—that is life right there). This was not the path I chose, this was something that chose me.

I have been on this “Living HIPP” journey of personal growth for over a decade. What you may not know (or perhaps you do) is that part of that was addressing my relationship with Alcohol, addictive tendencies and getting to the root cause (this is hard stuff and not easy to navigate). I am fortunate in that I never had any sort of rock bottom, only because of the work I did this past decade (but I did have lots of pebble moments which was my internal struggle in my head and how that dulled my spirit & vibrancy). I have no doubt if I did not address it, it would have become a bigger problem, I believe that is what happens (that is why I have proceeded with caution and taken long breaks in hopes I just would not desire it). I was a “grey area” drinker meaning, it was not always that bad, I thought I could pull it back (and took long breaks gladly at times)—looking back, I realize that I put so much time and energy into trying to make it work for me because I could not picture my life, my marriage or my personality not having drinks, even on occasion (this was a while back but an important loop because I believe there are thousands of women and guys too in this space) but you are not that bad and you do the "detox to retox" thing, which we all know gets old. Even thou I knew it was not serving me and my best life existed Alcohol Free (AF), I allowed myself to go back a few times and I did not realize the denial I had, because “I was not that bad”. This kept me stuck in a pattern of long healthy AF breaks which was me “Living HIPP” (my formula and foundation of healthy living in mind/body/spirit (which became my tracks to run on). It is not just Alcohol for me, I have an addictive personality which can be food, work, tech, and some good things like Yoga, good juju, love & laughter—life is too short and we must have fun so the latter is the good side of this part of me.

In the work that I have done on myself to pull back the layers on this, what I learned is that I had untreated ADHD (I laugh about this but it played a role in my ability to stay AF) and Anxiety in addition to Addiction (that word is scary to me because it is so misunderstood and when untreated can really lead to serious problems for people). The fact is, we are all addicted to something, it is a continuum (or spectrum) and our society only looks at one end or the other (and so many of us are in our heads and bobbing in the waters thinking we are the problem, or thinking it is not that bad, or thinking, next week, next month or on Monday I will change and do better at XYZ. All this to say it is a journey, and shame, stigma and I’m not that bad keep us from seeing “it’s not that good”. I embraced “it’s not that good in 2022 and also embraced how happy I was without Alcohol, another long stretch of living HIPP which for me is Yoga, Hydration (water), more self care, gratitude/compassion/grace and a balance of rest and productivity. I was ready to fly, but I did not realize I left the bird house open and on my trip to Italy last year, I slipped (I drank a few times on the trip)—having a drinking culture and college age kids and a husband who used to be my drinking buddy years ago made it that much more of a challenge. Even thou this was a disappointment, it proved to me exactly why people who are sober just don’t drink (because it invites the behavior back in, and that is why it is really hard to moderate for a lot of people (seemingly non problematic drinkers that think about it, and the mental gymnastics we play in our heads, I did not realize how duped I was, even thou I learned more, I still had this underlying belief how much I thought Alcohol was normal and a reward or relaxing or fun. Many years ago it was some of those things for me, but at mid life, never ever ever have I said “I’m so glad I drank last night” TRUTH!

After Italy I had that WTF, you were doing so well, how did this happen? I also thought back to how great I felt, Yoga every day (that is my biggest tool), time for self care and loving my AF life. At times I used to think I was missing out, but in the past few years, I looked at it differently, I realized the magic for me is in just being me (AF), being present, grounded, balanced, I no longer wanted it, I love my AF life, magical mornings (hang overs suck), happy hour (coffee in am) and simple joys each day (clarity, peace, alignment, authenticity). When u let it back in, you open the door again (all the hard work I had done each year went out the window, but I finally closed the door). In mid July of last year, we went back to our home at Boardman to visit and see it before they sold it (that was awesome, emotional but really good). Following that I had a difficult work call about a challenge and I drank that night (even thou I had been through all of these challenging work situations and stayed AF all year and previously) I slipped that night. I had a conversation with my sister (who is AF and a certified coach in this area) and she helped me to see that it was my thinking and old beliefs (even subconscious to some degree) and that I had to work on that. She hit me over the head, at that moment it clicked, here I am teaching mindset work, studying this stuff, practicing it but I could not see it clearly myself (or I thought I did). On July 15th I said “I don’t drink anymore” (I never said this, it sounds so simple but I was finally owning this choice). I said it to myself, I said it to my husband, I said it to others if asked (or in a social situation) and this is the moment I felt FREE from it. I was waiting for this to happen (freedom), I knew it would, I just did not know how, I thought it would just happen. I am sharing all of this with you because I would have had a few years, but I slipped last summer—fortunately, I rebounded right away and in that, I accepted my truth, and for the first time in my life I feel freedom from it and I look at this as my super power rather than my problem. I realize I have not arrived, and I will continue to make this a priority in my life, I love my AF life, and I want to protect it like I protect my children (Mama Bear).

I know so many women are in their head on this topic, and to me it is just so misunderstood and also not black and white (and that is why people have rock bottom moments because there is not enough space and awareness for Discovery (and what the real journey looks like for most every person that struggles with this). I have done long breaks AF, in fact, much of my time in the past decade has been that, but I did not feel free because I always gave myself the opportunity (so slips and sips happen: also known as the F it’s, and this is the biggest set back)! I have had many long breaks 90 days, 6 months, a year etc…. (I always allowed myself a window to go back even thou I was doing so well without it)—I used my marriage as an excuse, and that I was not that bad which felt truth because I heard some scary stories. The thought of it now makes me shocked that I did this rinse/repeat cycle, but that was part of my resistance to some of the antiquated beliefs, support, programs and misconceptions about this hugely relevant thing many deal with in the privacy of their own heads, we don’t want labels, we don’t want forever, we don’t want to be one of them (gulp)…. I think it is time we normalize this conversation, we socialize in an inclusive way, lets level the playing field for those that don’t drink (for what ever reason even if it is just a break) and likewise, no shame for those that do (if you got em’, smoke em’). I want to disrupt social norms and level the playing field (because I know what it is like to be on both sides of this, and it is high time for change).

Today, I am in a different place, this past year (and more) means so much more to me because I am in with “two feet” and I never, ever want to go back. It is my choice, and it is a choice that aligns with my best life—and that is why I won’t have a sip if my monkey brain in the future says oh, but u deserve it, you were not that bad. I will remind myself NAFS (not a fucking sip) because it offers me ZERO. Plus, I have this freedom I would not trade for anything, I am so happy, I am so aligned with myself, I am a work in progress but I am doing the work, Yoga is my daily habit and I am grateful for my own path and healing. What I have learned about Alcohol is astounding and I am not anti alcohol, I am pro education, pro healthy living and pro, lets change the narrative of this toxic substance which can create toxic harm to our body (um, that hang over is telling you something), toxic thinking (I know how shitty it feels to feel shitty about this topic) and toxic behavior (yep, even once in a while, we can make an ass of ourselves or say something stupid). The toxic behavior is really in our own behavior and that we would know it makes us feel like garbage and does havoc on our brains/bodies/spirit but we do it anyways because we think it is fun or relaxing or belonging. No shame, no blame, just light, lets shine a light on this taboo topic and I am going to be a beacon of light because the truth is, if I did not address this, go through the process (mine is not a straight line, it is a toddler scribble with a crayon) but I am on the other side of it (thank God) and while the other side is AMAZING, I need to live HIPP (daily practices, community, mind/body work) to stay here and most importantly, thrive here!

I did not want to deal with this, I did not want this to be my story and I am humbled by saying this is who I am and this is something I am proud of and thankful for (when I once felt shame and regret and worked so hard to make it not my thing). The fact is, I do not have a Happy or Inspirational life without my AF lifestyle and Productive and Peace only come from Living HIPP (which is my daily practice, mindset and spirit that is vibrant and authentic). To be clear, there is no shame in drinking or not (that BS has to go), I don’t want everyone to stop drinking, I want us all to gather and support one another in a positive, inclusive and healthy way. Cheers to Us! Also, I want to shine light on the truth, that while we all think drinking is fun, sexy, cool and how we connect and vibe together, it is total BS, and I have learned that it just dulls our spirit, makes us feel like shit, and life is so much brighter and vibrant without it for some of us. “Celebrate Good Times Come on” this was a song in the 80’s and a party spirit I have lived since being a teenager. I branded and bottled the spirit (HIPP), it is not the booze we crave (even thou we believe we do and some are physically a slave to it), it is the spirit we crave, the joy, the bonding, the laughs, the love and I am telling you, it is brighter and better and more whole, true and authentic when you learn to have that spirit without the lubrication of ethanol. It might not be ethanol for you, perhaps it is negative thinking or vibes or old behaviors where you just protect yourself by a critical mind or skepticism, perhaps you need to shift your thinking, energy, mindset, thought patterns and embrace some happiness, joy, feel good vibes and even more deeper, love and grace.

We are all working on something, and it is not easy, life is not all rainbows and butterflies, but it is pretty damn magical and every single day, I choose magic, I choose happy, I choose simple joys, I choose progress (not perfection) and I choose me. I have a huge spirit (I always have), and from the time I was a little girl, people felt my magic and my spirit (and yes, some did not like it—F them). Most did, and what I did not realize is that it dulled down drinking (and I thought I was the life of the party), it turns out I am still the life of the party, only a more authentic and genuine version. It’s a unicorn lifestyle, at least while living HIPP, this is a Unicorn brand and the worst and best kept secret. It takes time to get there and I think we need to honor that and be okay with that. Also it is not just two camps, it is a process and steps and reduction or mindful is better than ignorance or worst, rock bottom.

In growing HIPP, I am going to talk more about this topic in the context of “Discovery”—as in helping others explore their relationship with Alcohol, and making this a conversation we have, one that we don’t wait until the wheels come off the bus. I am giving more thought to this and how I can help others but also the bigger picture of living a life you love (vision, values, balance, work/life, and happiness (it’s real and it is a choice every day). Progress over perfection in all areas of our lives, no shame, no blame, just building a life you love and building a system of support that helps you heal, grow, accommodate your mental health and face life challenges (none of us are immune, and the more we unpackage this, the more we will normalize it. Living HIPP is a exploratory safe space to land, to build better habits, to embrace progress over perfection and to focus on the solution and not the problem (yes we need to deal, heal and be real and open, but we don’t have to stay stuck in those rabbit holes which can be a downside of some recovery communities). No one is doing it wrong, every single community is right, they are just different, and it is important for you to see who and what you vibe with (there are some pretty cool people and programs out there that I can introduce you to). I want to see more collaboration in this space because it is so broad and there is such a big spectrum and we need to meet people where they are at and that is okay. I am AF but I still have a drinking personality (that sounds so weird as I write it), my point is, I know what it is like to enjoy the break or escape and I get it…. I get it so much that I broke through the BS and created in my own head, and it isn’t about the Alcohol, it is all about the spirit (more to come on that). BOOM!

I could not do this alone, and I am grateful to my family & friends that support me, mostly my husband Charlie who was my drinking buddy years ago, we have changed our lifestyle, while he still drinks, it is not daily and our home is AF most of the time except when we entertain or the kids are gathering on the w/e. My children laugh with me and I know they are proud, I am rewriting the story of our family and our life (and that just means being an example to them and I am being transparent so they see they have choices and life is far more fun (for me anyway) AF! They are crazy college kids and young adults finding cool bars and living that life (as I did), I am doing the best I can by showing them, my example and also that there is this other side to the fun and fancy, it is also destructive & a DB. All of you, friends & family, thank you, I have found peace in meeting up with friends, they drink, I don’t and we respect each other (either choice is okay, lets just be clear on what it really is and what it really isn’t and stop the BS & hype we all believed in. We entertain, but not as much as we use to, and I know my boundaries, limits and desires well, that is important to know and to build as I am AF but my life is not.

This is my Toolbox and resources I use, not just for this but for life in general and giving myself wings to fly. While I am an Empty Nester, I am building a Nest that is sustainable and truly the best place for me to land. Thank you to the following people, teachers, coaches, leaders and resources/programs. I highly recommend all, and in the future these may become vetted brands/services of Living HIPP (it is all coming together). I did not want this, because it does not define me (I know you don’t want it too, so we avoid, deny and escape, that is okay but at some point you will call yourself on your own bullshit). I have a big voice, a passionate heart, I love inspiration, motivation, my dreams and vision are huge, but there is no way in the world I could do any of that without addressing this for myself personally. Likewise I can’t empower and motivate women, and change the world like I think I am suppose to without being transparent and sharing my story, in the hopes it helps others create their own. It might not be alcohol for you (because it is not just that for me) it could be other things that hold you back, weigh you down (it could be your thinking) and I am here to shine a light and say, don’t worry, it is not you, it is life and it is normal and there is a better way. Let's define your path so you can create more of what you want in your life and less of what you don’t. My life is incredible (I am in awe sometimes of how blessed I am). I did not have a life I wanted to escape from, but what I did have was a little struggle in my head, that when things got hard (and hard things happened this past decade) it would be the boulder on my shoulder, and it is amazing to just release the weight and flow with life.

I can’t emphasize enough that this is a journey, there are so many good resources out there and what is lacking is Discovery and I will talk more about that. Likewise lets normalize the conversation, drop the labels (but use them if it helps, there are no right or wrongs, there are just different ways and their is a path and journey for you). It is about self awareness, assessment and building better habits, and better thinking (yes, your mindset is everything when it comes to this and quite frankly when it comes to living HIPP).

I have a Tool Box which includes Daily Practices and Resources that keep me on track. You don’t have to be AF to do these things, but they will help you move in the right direction. I am fully committed to my AF Lifestyle and yes, I am still the life of the party (well, not really but kind of true). I’m still fun, not because I drink or don’t drink, I’m just fun because that is who I am, who I have always been and who I will always be. I love to have fun, to laugh, to sing, to dance to play and I never ever want to dull my spirit again. At first it is awkward (not drinking), that is okay, changing any behavior or belief is awkward (removing your social lubricant) but what if we can make it less awkward, and more powerful, more fun, more exciting and more authentic. That is what I am doing and I hope you will join me in this Global Toast. Raise your glass (I don’t care what is in it), what I do care is that you are happy, you are joyful, you are kind, and you are inclusive to all, the drinker, the non drinker, the gay, the straight, the black, the white, the asian, the woman, the man, the “they” (I am still stumbling my words on that one, I’m human). The fact is this (mic drop):

“We are all connected and have more in common than we realize, lets embrace our inner HIPP (love) and take that love and light and share it with the world”. A Global Toast, A Global Hug, A Global Brand (HIPP).

Equal to my spirited personality, I love to stay home, I love cozy girl nights, jammies and not being social, this is my foundation and how I reset, and it is establishing this comfort without a substance which is most cozy, comfy, and real.

Here is my top tools (but have many more).

Yoga: Tricia (Elephant Tree Yoga), my favorite Yoga teacher in the world. This is my #1 tool, and a big part of my discovery/recovery.

Michelle Rene’ Coaching: My sister has been instrumental in my journey, she is a certified coach in this area and helped me to finally see what was holding me back.

Therapy: I have had 2 great therapists over the years, Jenn (who now is in the midwest) and my Yoga friend Jan, who I meet with weekly and we focus on mindfulness.

Treatment: I am being treated for both my ADHD & Anxiety with medication, this is important for me and helps, I want to be transparent on that & encourage it for some.

Gratitude: I was part of a Gratitude Group and continue to practice this every day.

On-Line Community: A group of bad ass people that are on this journey with me, we lift each other up.

Podcasts & Books: Reach out and I will recommend some great resources (and will be sharing more through Living HIPP).

Top Podcast: Hello Someday (my friend Casey McGuire Davidson) and top book: This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.

If you are struggling reach out, the first step is to ask for help. If you are thinking about this but like me “not that bad” and like me years ago, did not want to not ever drink again and just wanted to cut back, that is really the people I want to help because that was me and that is the reality that is out there, but people are too afraid to have this issue, problem, or they are not sure they want to quit (I totally get that and you don’t need to be anything, just be curious). It is not you, it is the Alcohol that is the problem. It is not you, it is how we have glamorized it in marketing, media and socially for too long. It is not you, it is us, the collective belief we have needs to change as does the narrative. It is not you it is about us, supporting each other and being unapologetic in how we socialize, we all can raise a glass to better living (and the irony is that the alcohol is poisoning us, making us addicted, and that is not the person at the end of the spectrum, it is the person in the middle that cannot live without it (I know, I know). What if you did not have to worry about quitting or not, or being sober or not. What if you just took an honest look at how it makes you feel (not in that first 20 minutes, that part feels great), it is the rest of the time when you are chasing that buzz that never builds, but you think it does because we get caught in the trap of more. Let’s disrupt the narrative, the marketing, the fake fun and really look at what it is (even if you have to in baby steps). This is not about right or wrong, one decision or the other…. This is about having a Vision for your life, how do you want to look, feel and how do you want to spend your time. Do you feel a sense of purpose, in alignment and like you are living or on the path of living your best life.

For years I thought it was the answer at the end of the day, the reward, the fun, the connection and the relaxation and break from stress that I needed (I really did). In the past decade, I did all the things, removed it, was mindful, tried moderation (this works until it doesn’t, meaning this doesn’t work, it never works unless you could truly take it or leave it). I did long breaks, I enjoyed being AF, I fought the negativity/beliefs/stigma/spectrum and I wanted someone to change some of the misconceptions and how vast and wide this topic is. Here I go again (I’ve done this in business), we should do this, that needs to change). I was waiting for someone to fix it when I was the one who not only needed to do that for myself, I need to use my passionate voice for a bigger purpose.

I am not an expert in this area, and I really don’t want a focus on quitting drinking because I want to focus on LIVING and life is beautiful on the other side. I do believe we are missing a whole piece and step and that is discovery, a soft place to land, to consider it, try breaks and/or drink mindfully. It is a start and that conversation is a good one to have. While dry January and Sober Oct are good (I am in favor) the downside is that some people are waiting to have that drink on the 1st of the month and that defeats the purpose and it’s not about white knuckling it, it’s about learning to change patterns of behavior, old beliefs and finding the joy in being present. My desire became freedom and I am there and I am so happy to share that it is amazing and life is in fact better. I did not get here by way of a simple decision, I got here by way of learning, growing, failing, and repeating. Lets take your messy toddler drawing and make it a masterpiece. Live vibrantly, and with buoyancy as it is a process and journey and there are so many signs along the way, we just need to be open and look for them. XO