Hey, Hun! Be That Girl, Not That Girl!

Last week, I experienced an interaction with another woman/female entrepreneur & coach. Man, did she “put me in my place” when I spoke up about the book she just published which is a tear down of the industry of Direct Sale/Network Marketing which is an industry I have been a part of for 21 years. I tend to speak up, especially when I believe anyone or anything is being unrepresented in a fair way. This is both a strength and a weakness, I rocked her boat, even thou I was diplomatic in my feedback, I also wanted to share that there are positive things about the industry, and while her experience was negative (and there is a negative side) I have experienced both positives and negatives and wanted to share the positive, which is not "toxic positive”, it is just TRUTH.. I was shot down for sharing my truth!

I do not know this person, although she is in the recovery community and formerly in Network Marketing Industry—so we have some similar circles. I share this because, in all fairness, I don’t know her enough to know the context and to perhaps see where we might agree on a few things (in fairness to her), however, reading (listening) to her book did not convince me of anything but the scorn she has for a top leader in the NM industry, her cattiness and mean spirit that quite frankly roared even louder than the shitty behavior she experienced at her company. This conflict and gossipy/mean girl behavior is the problem that needs to be addressed in American Culture—can women stop shitting on each other? By all accounts, she (Author) is smart, a loving and devoted Mom, and is a natural influencer, and motivated woman. A FB friend & leader in the Recovery Community (and someone I respect) recommended her book which basically slams the Network Marketing (MLM, Direct Sales) Industry—calling it predatory, a pyramid scheme, and so many negative things (which we all know, none of us want to be part of any cheesy schemes or cringe business). The industry gets a really bad rap, and some is understandable because some companies, brands, and leaders give it a bad name and practice and build in a way that is not ethical or okay. However, there are many companies, brands and people in the industry that do good work, lead with integrity and many that benefit from the industry. I politely commented on the post acknowledging yes, some of that does happen in the industry, but not all companies and not all professionals—I went on to share the positive experience I have had in my 21 years in the industry. Not only have I had a positive experience, but I have either helped or observe many benefit as well, some financially, some professionally, some personally, and mostly, seeing women feel empowered, be part of a positive community and thrive in their relationships which go further than business, we have many life long friends. The feedback was not well received, the person that posted was respectful and acknowledged my POV, however, the Author of the book commented and her response to me (she does not know me) was rude and condescending (she took it down hours later). Oh hello Author, I’m Pam Guyer, this Mean Girl BS behavior does not fly with me, I welcome a word in private hun, so we can talk about this toxic behavior, that you are promoting in your book (anyone just has to download to audible and hear your tone, the bitchy vibe and see that you are doing the same thing, shaming other women as you mock and belittle other women in your narrative of people in the industry. Clearly you and Kimberly (top leader in your company) have had a tenuous relationship it appears she was jealous of you and you were jealous of her (from what I can see). Rather than see this conflict and also the parts of her and this you do not like or subscribe to (which is fair and fine), you decided to take down the entire industry and everyone in it (or at least attempt to, but my thought is that you only showed your cat claw rather than growth. Have you thought of taking a break from the scene, perhaps recover some true personal growth and to lead with grace and be better than that (sure, call out the industry on some bullshit you see or have experienced, but to use such a big microphone and blame the industry for your drinking, and all your wrongs, hun, it just does not make it right! You have been on the crazy bus for for years (meaning a busy life with triumphs and trauma). 5 Babies alone is enough already, most women find it hard to cope as a Mom and you are so right, it is isolating and people want an escape (my DS business became my great escape and was actually good for me as a Mom, and yes, it did not make my life easier, added work is hard, lets be real). You then went on to launch a business, you say u didn’t mean for it to grow, but it just happened, yes you did, like me, you probably did not want to do the business because u were embarrassed and did not want to be one of those people, but you saw these women making money and you said “why not me”. In your “all or none” (assumption) way, you dove in head first, your life became all about your biz and you lost yourself (is that you, is that the industry or is a bit of both)? You were way busier than you planned to be, you lost balance in work & life, but the carrot in front of you and your personality was all about winning, being praised and you got caught in that cycle. You drank your ass off (coping with a crazy and unrealistic schedule) and you lost yourself (it sucks to try and pretend to be someone you are not, no wonder u felt like shit). A DUI on the night of your car presentation must have been more traumatic than u can explain, and the pictures of you sitting on the laps of executives, smoking cigarettes and drunk (that really sucks) and it is embarrassing and it must have really sucked that someone would post pics of you like that (it is total BS and I am sorry you did this and that this happened to you). I would be mad too if someone did this to me, trust me, I am mad too about some things that happened in my business from other women, and it is worst than what you shared. But, it’s not the industry, it’s not the companies I was with, it was what happens with women (and some really shitty things happened to me which were unfair and BS). I don’t blame the industry and brands, it is a deeper issue of women, as beautiful as we are, we can be ugly, and man, did I see the ugly in others.

The drunk escapades captured on SM is another trauma, and good on you for eventually getting sober, I am in awe of that win, you took on another really big thing and that is bad ass and thank God, because we all know the demise you avoided (you had your bottom and you stood up), truly a miracle, I mean that in all sincerity. The cancer diagnosis and it coming back, again, another trauma: 5 babies, mom of 5, built successful business, rock bottom DUI, hospital stay from drinking, cancer diagnosis, surgery, sober, sober recovery, coaching program, book, new business (sober coach), another book….. I am tired writing this. I am exhausted because even thou it is not a hashtag life anymore, doing all this, having all the projects and deliverables and packaging all the shit you did (lost yourself in your success, didn’t feel aligned with the company and people you were with, felt shitty, did shitty things and then packaged it all into MLM, that cheesy industry and that leader Kimberly, it is all their fault and we are going to take them down for all the shit they did (and I did). Otherwise I am now a recovered good person and I continue to perform and produce but with information that distrupts an industry, I am the new disrupter and I am going to make a name for myself and tear her and them DOWN! You must be exhausted and that one last opportunity to knock down the Queen (Kimberly), did that feel good, are you satisfied or do you need more, is the white supremacy your way to get on TV and more PR? Really? When does it fucking stop? Like Rachel Hollis, when are you going to stop, learn, breathe and live (off social media, off of making money from people (yes, you still do that) nothing wrong with it, but come on now, where do we draw the line? Hate and jealousy are loud in your book (no, not just the mlm people, YOU)! Perhaps a little less…. Less words….. Less promoting (I want to be authentic, scathing tone about filtered pics yet your videos on your page are mom shaming and all filtered. Nothing wrong with that but c’mon, you are doing what you are putting down others for doing, what is up with that? You still have the hashtags, but it’s convenient to put down the industry because some of it is gross and cheesy, we all know that, but you had to make every point to instill fear, shame, and attack the credibility & authenticity of those in the industry that do great work and who are great leaders and representatives for the industry, for the “Boss Babe” for the “Mom Boss” and the woman that wants to be part of something outside of her home and perhaps her community of people that nag and complain on day long.

You brought such shame and blame to the Boss Babe, Mom Boss or anyone that chooses to call herself what she wants to (who gives a shit what we call ourselves)!!!!!

While the Author experienced success (which is not easy), she eventually realized this was not for her, she had some negative experiences and left the industry (nothing wrong with that, it is not for everyone and there are parts of it that can feel inauthentic, if you don’t use your personal voice, share your view and do things your way (as long as it is compliant and true). I too, have had awful experiences, but I don’t blame the industry, it is just what can happen in any industry with women working together. I have also had such incredible experiences and a mentor that taught me so much about mindset, heart & humor in leadership & life. It is the best lessons I have learned on leadership, teamwork, empowerment, and women edifying each other and the power in that (not condescending comments about love bombing which ruins the whole point of actually love and integrity that exists for many leaders in and outside of this industry.

The book is not a fair and accurate account of the industry as a whole and the thousands of women that enjoy it, it focuses in on the negative, which does not apply to every person, company and brand. While I don’t argue some of her points (I agree, some companies, people and practices are YUCK), but also they do not represent the entire industry, and her strong words talked about “all companies”, which is not true, and not a fact (even the failure rates, which there are a lot of people that don’t stick with it, it is hard, it can be uncomfortable and it is not get rich quick. Many people join a company to get the consultant discount, they are part of the “failure rate” but they are not even building, they never wanted to, they just want the discount, again, there is more to the story. Also, she had a bad experience, and it no longer aligned with her and her values, that is okay, but to try and take down an entire industry is irresponsible and in doing so, she is black balling millions of women and mom entrepreneurs, that enjoy their business, make enough to pay for soccer cleats or dance lessons, or maybe they are not making money but feel confidence and growth in their community. It is not black and white, it is not all or none, it is okay to uncover some things that can happen in a company or industry, but it is not okay to tear down an entire industry (for profit no less), because you want to be the next Author & Speaker to emerge. The connection between the recovery community and NM industry is interesting, I would want to explore that topic more, because I see both positive and negatives in both communities, and ironically, I feel the recovery community could benefit from some of the personal development and great training I have had in the DS Industry which has helped me in my own journey. I find it interesting that a female leader in the recovery community would shame women and the industry they are in, there was absolutely no grace, slack or fair assessment given, her black and white thinking came through powerfully, so if I were not familiar with the industry, I would think they are all scammers and all people involved are dumb (brainwashed) or unethical, which for most that is not the case. The white supremacy (tagline in the book) to me is unfounded and a reach, I think that sells more books, and is just not relevant to this industry, I am all for social justice and I am more concerned with what was happening in marches on the streets and not “white girls” selling lipstick or a dream. I am interested to learn more, but I have to say that in my experience in the DS community & recovery, they both have so many benefits and yes, some flaws (and both are totally misunderstood so to me, they are similar in a strange way but very different). To blame an industry on your drinking is absurd, perhaps the stress can contribute (I understand that personally), but it is not because of the industry, it is our coping skills, the social dynamic of drinking and how we as Moms or women use maladaptive ways to cope with hard situations. I left a successful business (a huge income that was residual) to join a newer brand that I was recruited into as a seasoned leader, I have every right to scream from the roof tops my frustration and disappointment in both the companies and the industry (shitty things happened to me too, far worst than what happened to the Author). However, it is not just an industry thing, it is not the company it was things managed poorly, which can happen in any industry. Making this about an industry that employs (contractors) many women and causing that damage is not productive, because at the end of the day, this exists in all industries, and the far bigger issue is leadership, women and how they treat one another and how we allow this bull shit to happen.

Enough about her linear experience (which does call out some things that need to change in the industry), I want to share my voice, what I have experienced and while I have had both success and failure in this industry, I own it, I have had some really difficult challenges this past decade, it would be easiest to blast the company and industry, but that is not fair or true, it is a specific leadership/mangement issue and I also own my part in it too. No shaming, no blaming, just me handling my personal situation in private because it is not an enterprise wide issue. What ever happened to hate leads to more hate, her book is a hate letter to her former company, to it’s top leader and to every person involved in the industry. This is total bullshit, some things shared are truths or the worst case scenario, but there is also so much good, so many leaders that have integrity and are heart centered, and so many truths that she did not tell because she could not, she was on a mission to burn down the industry, tear down it’s top leader and even made sure she got the last word in (true, the end of the book she even says “to Kimberly if your listening", that was the biggest passive aggressive bitch slap). It is actually embarrassing if you listen to the audio of the book, and how juvenile it is, and the bitchy tone and girl drama that she demonstrates in her “rhetoric” on this industry and it’s people. We can do better than this and I believe she can do better than this.

Truth be told, we can rip apart this industry because it does have some questionable things, and it is about an uncomfortable topic, selling and selling to friends (I had my challenge with that, and we can all admit we don’t want to be that person and we don’t want to be sold to, used and we don’t like fake and insincere people. Duh Hun, those people exist everywhere, and in the DS industry you can smell them a mile away, in fact, sometimes we think that about everyone in the industry, until they prove otherwise (been there and done that).

Calling the industry and those involved predatory, is not fair and is quite honesty not accurate (yes, I am sure there are companies and professionals that are, and that is not okay, let's call them out. So when she made these comments, she was insulting some people that I love, from Mentors, to Leaders, to Teammates and Sideline Friends and the amazing people and leaders they are. The reader heard what they always assumed, I heard insults directed at people I know that are not doing this or that are not like this (she cast that net too wide).

First of all, Rita Davenport has been my Mentor since my first year in business. She was the backbone of my previous company, and Rita was a motivational speaker, that used humor and heart to get her message across. I learned so much from Rita, I continue to quote her and use her lessons in my own business and life. She is a Master at building belief and confidence in others, creating a positive culture and community and elevating how women work together, expecting better from us. You (Author) could benefit from her lessons, they are universal and help people more personally than professionally. It applies to personal growth be it Recovery, Reinvention or just becoming a better version of you. She leads with her heart and leads with love, we used to call her our very own Oprah. She inspired me beyond the industry, because of her I want to encourage audiences and women as she has done with thousands but outside of the industry and in this ever changing work from home world. There are hundreds of examples I could give, and hundreds of leaders I know in this industry from both of my companies that I respect, admire and am proud to call either colleague or friend. They are mothers, doctors, lawyers, scientist, teachers, nurses, stay at home moms, and they work in retail, finance, construction and all industries—they all have their own story and own reason for being part of the industry and they have either touching, inspiring or impressive stories—and some have regular stories and they join for one reason, and stay for another. Some quit, in fact, many do, it is not easy to build a business and it is hard hearing no, working out of your comfort zone, asking for favors or the sale, and in that it can become inauthentic, and that is where strong and positive leadership helps coach and guide them and also for them to establish their own voice, message and connection to what and why they are doing this. There is always an up and down feeling in a business like this, sometimes you are on fire and up, other times you are feeling down or down, you heard no too many times, you started acting too much like someone else in the business and you did not stay true to yourself. With the right company and leadership, you learn to find your voice, grow as a leader, be authentic about what you love and to meet people where they are at. Some just want to work a little, while others want to crush it, we meet people where they are at.

I would rather have seen a more accurate and fair book written, it only included hate, negativity and did not address those that enjoy the companies, industries and communities they are in, there are thousands of stories, and I am one of them.