Vulnerability

To be human is to be vulnerable, and when we are vulnerable we are truly being our authentic selves. I will be honest, as much as I try and be vulnerable, I also have a hard time doing so out there in the world. I have spent my life building, creating, transforming, striving, performing and getting ahead (to some degree with periods of falling down, failing, being stuck and experiencing all parts of me). I have been working on this, but I feel like I digress, and to me it is part of the journey one in which I know I need to speak on, to call out and to share, because I know I am not the only one—we all have different parts of ourselves, the part of ourself that thrives, that is on, that is capable and that is winning. We also have parts of ourselves that carries fear, carries shame, carries doubt, is afraid, and does not feel worthy. I have spent my life avoiding her, trying to stifle her, and trying hide that part of me, the parts of me I have a harder time accepting and expressing. In the past few years I have been trying to nurture that side of me, to let her be seen, be heard and to welcome her to the party of life. It has not been pretty and I have not been a good friend to her. I spent decades working hard, achieving, performing so that she would not appear on the scene—but no matter what, she is always there, she is part of me.

The year of 2020 has been a challenge for all of us, while I can say that there have been blessings and I know I will look back at this time of slowing down as a gift, time with my family as a gift, it also has been a challenge for me personally, a tug of war with my demons (which are not bad they are just part of the human experience). I so admire vulnerability in others, when people are brave enough to share, to be vulnerable to be real, it truly captures my respect, it speaks to my heart and it reminds me that I am not alone. Truth be told, I love to work on being my best self, I want to shine my light on the world, but how can I do that if I am not willing to share my darkness too. This year I have tried to sit with my feelings and it has not been pretty and it has not been easy and I have had to try, and do again, and get comfortable with the uncomfortable. I happen to be an emotional being, and to brand that in a positive way, I am emotionally intelligent, and to tell you the truth of what that looks like at times is that I feel like I am a hot mess at times. I feel emotions deeply, and I can take on the vibes around me, the positive part is that I have an abundance of empathy and compassion for others, the down side is that it can be heavy, and it can weigh on me, and learning to set boundaries and navigate is something I have been working on.

This is life’s journey….

It is the ying and the yang, it is the good and the bad (or hard), it is the balance of our gifts and our challenges and the ability to turn many of those challenges into gifts. However, it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to feel the feels, the sadness, the anger, the fear, the real feelings that reside in all of us. I am brilliant at my ability to rebound, redirect and move forward (and I am grateful for that optimistic survival way of living), however, I need to get better at being okay with the not okay. There are times I want to stuff it down, drink it away, work it off, and escape the feelings, but I have learned (and am learning) that does not work, it is only a coping mechanism that can go from good to bad, it is learning new ways of being, new ways to process feelings, and living more mindfully and being present (easier said than done). What has been really hard for me in this process is that it is not getting anywhere, I like to check things off, I like to arrive and to accomplish and with this, there is not ending and it is a way of being. It is doing it over, and over and over again, it is a bit mundane and boring, but it’s compound effect can be what creates change.

I wrote this post for me and for you. Trust me when I say I love the Pam that shows up with her A game on, when I am feeling good, grounded, on purpose and on fire—I will always love that part of me that can by dynamic, motivating and owning my power. But, that is not all of me…. I have this part of me or this voice inside that has fear, that hurts, that has suffered loss, that has been rejected, that does not want to be rejected and that questions her worthiness (yes, we all have a need to know we are worthy and enough). Rather than stuff her down, I am going to try and welcome her to the party, she is part of Living HIPP, and needs to share her voice in the world.

Vulnerability right here. In this world of Social Media and the highlight reel, we need to be vigilant about being real, about being authentic and sharing our stories (not necessarily on social media) but telling our truth, owning our story and redefining what happiness looks like and accepting ourselves and each other for realness not for the “who’s who” of our circles on and off line.

Life is Magical, Life is Messy and I believe with all my heart that Living HIPP is the intersection of Vulnerability and Vitality. As I look to the new year I have hope, dreams, vision and will set goals—but I am doing so on my terms, with my vulnerabilities in mind and nurturing the part of me that is afraid, that feels “less than” and that is vulnerable.

For those of you that this resonates with, I see you, I hear you, I am you. XO